Deep Inside of You by Amanda Arlequin Disclaimer: The characters in this story are from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and belong to the God Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. The lyrics are from the song "Deep Inside of You" by Third Eye Blind and belong to them. No copyright infringement intended.

**When we met light was shed,
Thoughts free flow you said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound,
sway your hips round rings true
Deep inside of you
These secret garden beams changed my life so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride thoughts are warm, they go
Deep inside of you
Oh yeah, and I never felt alone, alright, till I met you**

	I am Fortune's Fool.  Sometimes I wonder- if I had know what was going to
happen, would I have allowed myself to get involved, to fall for her so
deeply.  It doesn't take much hesitation for me to know the answer to that.
 Despite everything, she was my bright light, the sunlight feeding the
darkness inside of me, banishing it with the bright rays of her inner
being.  We belonged to each other completely, if only for a moment and I
could say she was mine, as no other had ever been.  Whatever happened after
that, I could never regret what we had.  What we could have once again, if
only I could tell her.

**friends say I've changed,
I don't listen cause I live to be
Deep inside of you
Slide of her dress, shouts in darkness, I'm so alive,
I'm Deep inside of you
You said boy make girl feel good
But still, Deep Inside... still, 
I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
Till I met you
And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming**

	The feel of her body against mine, delicate hands warming the cold flesh
of my body.  A golden smile that washed away all the pain inside of me.
The seductive curve of her hips that ignited a fire within me and banished
all rational thought.  She held a fierce power over me, all in the
crystalline depths of her eyes and the cushion of her breast.  Just the
sight of her could make me forget all that I was.  It scared me, that power
she had over me, the power she still has.  How can I be myself when
everything I am is her?  How can I watch her with her arms around another
when I know what could have been, what should be.  

**I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them, 
and I'd say that I'm sorry to you,
I'm sorry to you, 
and I don't want to call you, but then I want to call you
cause I don't want to crush you but I feel like crushing you 
and it's true I took for granted you were with me,
I breath by your looks and you look right through me,
But we were broke and didn't know
and we were broke and didn't know
and we were broke and didn't know
and we were broke and didn't know**

But it would be unfair of me to destroy whatever semblance of happiness she
now possesses in this lifetime.  Whatever destiny has planned for her, it
does not include me.  Though we were brought together again, by some
malignant twist of fate, she has been blessed with the gift of amnesty.
The memories of what we had been to each other are lost in the oblivion of
her soul.  Who am I to make her once again carry to curse of my love on her
shoulders.  It was her love that made me into the man I am, and it was my
love that destroyed her, that would probably destroy her again.  As much as
I crave her body and her soul, I can not punish her again for my sins.  I
will not be the cancer in her soul, the darkness surrounding the rose
blossom of her essence, thriving and withering under it all at the same
time.  I still carry with me the look she gave me as her life force ebbed
away from her, as she stared into the eyes of both her lover and her
killer.  It will haunt me to the grave.  It haunts me now, and for that I
am grateful.  For as much as I want her to know who am I- to look into my
eyes and once again recognize the mate she will always be searching for, I
am now strong enough to let her go.

**Something's gone, you withdraw and I'm not strong like before
I was Deep inside of you
I can go nowhere 
I burn candles and stare at a ghost
Deep inside of you
And some great need in me, starts to bleed
I've lost my self there's nothing left, it's all gone
Deep inside of you**

	I'm such a liar.  I lie to her and I lie to myself.  I'm sick of being
noble.  She's become a cancerous love inside of my heart, the light which
once redeemed me has become my punishment.  Perhaps that's why I stay.  Why
I put up with watching her wrap her arms around the wolf, their passionate
embraces carrying the scent of her arousal to my sensitive nose.  Why I
force myself to confront the happiness she has found with another, and in
turn force myself to attempt happiness with Buffy.  It is the punishment I
have forced upon myself.  Until I am redeemed for the wrongs I committed
against her, for the purgatory I enslaved her soul in, I can not allow
myself to be with her.  Perhaps in her next lifetime I will be cleansed and
ready for her again.  Then we will be together as we are meant to be.  But
for now I can only stare at her from a distance.  I live with the memories,
seeing her through the eyes of the past, and keep living on the promise
that one day, in some other lifetime, we will be together again.

The End.

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